Our new intern Gary fancies himself as an agony aunt. Lets see how this goes…

Hey Gary, 

I am 20 and just about to finish university. I’m likely to scrape through my degree but really feel like I’ve got a lot to offer despite my clear laziness and sense of entitlement. I’m quite pretty, but incredibly vain, and desperately want to work in the media.

K Lemon, Leicester 

Ok, first off, I’m really pleased to hear that you’ve got your priorities in order. Good for you. Your degree is basically worthless. I don’t have a degree but neither does Steve Jobs, Richard Branson or Joey Essex and look at us? Your entitlement is half the battle won and being vain really is the key to achieve your ambition. Frustratingly, however, there are likely to be lots of other people who will want made up sounding media jobs, some of whom may even have experience. There is no easy way, but there is a selfish and much faster way. The best thing for you to do is lie; lie about doing voluntary work, or that you’ve been editor of a regional music and lifestyle magazine or radio station or even that you interned at an independent film makers. Noone will check and this way you can ensure that important roles continue to go to vacuous, shallow, undeserving sons of bitches.

Hi Gary, 

I’m interested in having an affair. Any advice? 

D Potts, Bedford

Sure. These days planning to have an affair is as common as planning a weekend away with the lads/girls and, similar to planning a stag/hen weekend away, requires no consideration for others, total recklessness and a highly questionable moral compass which it sounds like you have in abundance! Is the recipient aware of your intended affections or are you just gonna start strong and send a dick pic?

Hi Gary, 

I get sexually aroused by fire. Sometime I start fires just to get off, but I’m worried that my sexual appetite and needs are escalating. Last week I torched my shed and wanked in the garden. Am I normal?

P McKenna, Leicester

Frankly, no.

How’s it going Gary?

I’m totally over my ex. How do I let him know how totally over him I am?

M Gaslight, Nottingham 

I’m good, thanks. This is a great question and one I get a lot. The solution is the ‘3 p’s: passive, passive, passive’. So, while it can be tempting to block them on social media as a big old ‘fuck you’, how will they know just how amazingly you’re doing and how over them you are? It’s also important to be hugely selective about what you share, so you should stick to ‘check ins’ at bars and nightclubs you hate and tag in with people your ex didn’t trust. Once you’ve got social media locked down, it’s time to start thinking about dating, and nothing says you’ve moved on more than dating one of your exes’ friends. You may wish to adopt aspects of your ex’s identity and idiosyncrasies to help with the courting process – it’s not like they’re gonna miss it!

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