We trusted our intern, Gary, with our letters page. We shouldn’t have.

Dear Gary,

I don’t think that I will ever find a man. My friends all say that I’m too picky and that I set myself unrealistic expectations, but why should I settle when all I really want in life is Paul Hollywood. Not someone who looks like him, obviously I have tried to encourage previous partners to adopt his style, but they just can’t pull it off. He is one in a million and I love him. What should I do?


Hi Lisa,

Personally I think that you’re setting the bar very low on this one. I don’t know Paul Hollywood, but I can assume from what little I know that he’s a pretty awful human being. If he’s what you want then I’d persevere. His career is probably at its natural peak and given tat he has all the charm of festering milk his decline is inevitable and likely any day soon. Good luck.

Dear Gary,

I have noticed that a lot of people have become very concerned about data breaches and social media collecting information on us. Recently my wife was complaining about all the targeted advertising  that she gets, citing that she is being offered things which she and I had been discussing privately such as pet insurance and a new fridge. Personally I don’t see what’s wrong with this as I’ve got a pretty useless memory and so I welcome this invasion of privacy as a huge help. I’m disappointed however, as the only adverts I seem to get are for Russian women living in my area, housewives who need seeing to and how to add 2 to my inches to my penis.


Dear Mark,

You watch a lot of porn, don’t you?


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