Aries

March 21st –April 19th
Aries, it’s time to go on an adventure, board a cross country train to either Plymouth or Edinburgh (don’t have to be picky) and spend the day travelling. Stare at people that you think you recognise but can’t be sure, until you catch yourself in the window – it’s a creepy look, you should probably stop. It’s not your high school girlfriend despite how much she looks like her… Accidently spill hot coffee over the person next to you’s lap. Steal the person opposite you’s paper and do the Sudoku before they can. Remember it’s all about the journey not the destination.

Taurus

April 20th – May 20th
It’s time for some big changes Taurus! As we approach a new academic year, consider the environment around you and whether it would be better setting it alight. Look for a new place to live and choose a horrible neighbourhood. You’ll feel better about yourself knowing you’re better than those around you, besides it’s just a stop gap, you won’t be here long. And that’s exactly what Janet said on the customer service checkout when she joined 30 years ago. Your future is Janet.

Gemini

May 21st – June 20th
Whoa Gemini, slow down! You’re going too fast on this crazy rollercoaster called life, after spending a month in a place (either physically or mentally) where everyone around you is competing for attention, it’s time to dial it down a bit and quit your jobs / be forcibly removed. This new freelance / unemployed lifestyle is exciting; you may even get to try out a foodbank. Make a house out of runner beans and sell them on the black market.

Cancer

June 21st – July 22nd
Cancer, it’s time to achieve that thing that no Millennial can and get on the property market! Go to a variety of estate agents, and then leave them all terrible reviews on tripadvisor (do the same for your aunts 50th). Take one hostage and bring them to that abandoned building you like by the canal, remove their gag and go into a detailed conversation about what the process is of buying that place and what the interest on a place might be like. Make sure you get a pedicure before you commit any crimes.

Leo

July 23rd  – August 22nd 
Stockpile ice in the event of a no-deal Brexit. Challenge the notion that cats have nine lives. Evade the RSPCA as best you can. Debate the pros and cons of blue passports. On one hand blue is very you, on the other hand you’re leaving the European union. Tell the jury everything that the RSPACA says is bullshit in that court case against you.

Virgo

August 23rd – September 22nd
Get one of those water bottles that tells you how much water you should be drinking and by when. Stay hydrated and in a constant need for a piss. This weak bladder is how you’ll now be known to everyone you meet. People remember fondly the time you didn’t almost piss yourself in Asda. Popularity is only people’s perceptions though. Try coconut milk for a dare.

Libra

September 23rd – October 22nd
Feeling lonely Libra? Join the Samaritans, there’s always someone there to talk to. Feel exhausted about the prospect of a writing deadline that’s only a couple of days away. Go for a long walk in the woods to get some fresh air and help clear your mind. Find that it makes it worse, as all that you can think about is that tree that looks like you. Try and flirt with badminton players on twitter.

Sagittarius

November 22nd  – December 21st
Sure.

Capricorn

December 22nd –January 19th
Think about all the upgrades you’re due, for your playstation, your phone, your life. It’s time to get your act together and reinvent yourself, Get some robot arms and why not. Go mushroom picking for a first date, get completely hooked (however the date goes) and be bewilded at how fast time can go when you’ve decided to live in a forest. Consider standing for the Labour Leadership.

Aquarius

January 20th – February 18th
You’re still reeling from the World Cup. It was ages ago mate, get over it – who are you? Sagittarius? Think about all the times that you were happy, now try to recreate them in a similar style to a Jack Black film. Go to the Zoo and take some MDMA, now it’s time to party with the animals. Think about if it’s possible to develop claustrophobia in jail or if it’s just something that comes to people naturally.

Pisces

February 19th –March 20th
Go zero free waste. And never shit again. Remove all the plastic from your house. Have a plastic free house, you rebel. Watch the first season of Yu-gi-oh and try decide if this is the best use of your Sunday afternoon. Go for multiple jobs at the council only to find out that someone younger and better than you has got them. C’est la vie. Explore the possibility of getting pencil sharpners for hands.

Great Central Strongly encourages you not to make any important life decisions based upon these horoscopes.

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Daniel Nicholas is a comedian, producer and co-founder of arts collective Tetrad. He can be found putting on a variety of unique combining comedy with other art forms, or shouting and playing games with people on stage.

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