“Mystic” Tiernan Welch delivers his quarterly insights in to the world of the stars. Great Central does not endorse you living your life by these or any other horoscopes.
ARIES 21st March – 19th April
Remember, honesty is the best policy. Because these days there’s apparently no need for good manners and everybody just loves those people who deliver their personal vitriol and bile whilst ignoring th
e feelings of others and justify and defend their rudeness by telling you that’s just who they are and they ‘tell it like it is’. You indulgent, self-serving, sanctimonious sociopath.
TAURUS 20th April – 20th May
You have a good job and a loyal wife but your life lacks the excitement you require. Your best friend is supportive but, like everyone else, limits any opportunity for travel. In fact, come to think of it you’ve never left the city and the one time you did you lost your father in a tragic boating accident. You long for freedom but your life appears somehow controlled, like you’re part of a much bigger picture.
GEMINI 21st May – 20th June
Unfortunately, you will kill again.
CANCER 21st June – 22nd July
The Sun and a bunch of stars that are closely united are impeded by Jupiter maintaining its habitation in Cancer. The seventh full moon of 2016 provides a glimpse of your general ambience this year. I’m not here to have a go at you, but you’re basically acting like a Pisces.
LEO 23rd July – 22nd August
You’re not a nice guy if you expect something in return for being a nice guy. Also, stop following her. Grow up you whiny little prick.
VIRGO 23rd August – 22nd September
You are, or know someone who has claimed to be the under-21 kickboxing champion of the UK. Go on, think about it.
LIBRA 23rd September – 22nd October
It’s something you’ve been thinking about for ages and yes, now is the time to take the plunge. It is a good idea to start gambling. Think about how many priceless opportunities you’ve already missed. I mean, you’re basically a millionaire already.
SCORPIO 23rd October – 21st November
Scorpios are known for their sense of humour. What happened to you? I mean, who hurt you? Venus comes into a new light orb this month meaning that water will turn into lead and this means that there are no limits to what you can achieve. None. Except gravity, expense, the law…
SAGITTARIUS 22nd November – 21st December
Your new look is a good look for you. It also doubles as the easiest way to show the world that you have given up on life and no longer give a fuck.
CAPRICORN 22nd December – 19th January
Love will be in the air, like bird flu. Love and knowledge go hand in hand so if you are determined to impress you will need to broaden your horizons and apply yourself. Today is the time to be part of the solution instead of the problem. Pick up yourself and get to action. Chicks dig scars and glory lasts forever. Get that face tattoo that you’ve always dreamed of.
AQUARIUS 20th January – 18th February
The summer solstice means that anything is possible this month. Your life will be full of surprises, terrifying surprises that will make you question the very fabric of your morality.
PISCES 19th February – 20th March
You will be visited by the ghost of your great-grandfather. Past errors still require addressing, as does a broad updating of official documents and procedures, applying less of a group mentality and instead seeing the individual. Also, romance will be found in an unexpected encounter with a distant older relative.