ARIES 21st March – 19th April
Aries! You’ll need your objectivity and ability to get through this eclipse season, requiring you to dig deep on your emotional reserves. Naturally you will fear exposing any vulnerability or want to speak honesty about your feelings so keep sharing those inspirational quotes, checking in at the gym and talking loudly in public places.
TAURUS 20th April – 20th May
All the stars are coming out tonight, they’re lighting up the stars tonight – for you? Time to seize the moment, and by moment I of course mean a sexual partner. Don’t actually ‘seize’ them of course but why not get that ball rolling with that cute guy/girl at the bus stop/bowling alley? Now I’m no Beppe Di Marco or Toadfish, but I do know a thing or two about dating and if you’re ever stuck for an icebreaker; woman love to take advice from guys about their appearance and guys love passive rejection and being called ‘mate’ by attractive girls.
GEMINI 21st May – 20th June
Look at the stars, look how the shine for you. Don’t worry about your mood, homey. The light is always darkest before the dawn. Like, literally every fucking day. That’s precisely how a day works. If you’re felling low then get off your phone, stop fantasising about other people’s lives and go on an adventure.
CANCER 21st June – 22nd July
Now that Venus and Mars are activating your ambition angle, it’s time for your nurturing side to have a mental health day and the Patrick Bateman in you to come out to play. Whilst it’s easy to put things off until tomorrow, the best preparation for tomorrow is a good today, and today you must dominate, you must capitalise and you must destroy. Today will be known as your independence day. Buy a caravan.
LEO 23rd July – 22nd August
Don’t ever doubt yourself. You may not always be right, but that shouldn’t get in the way of your self-importance. If you ever find yourself in a situation when you may not be 100% correct, just find a way to discredit, devalue and frustrate other people so you can distract them from the issue through a process of intimidation and deflection. Remember, it’s important not to be a victor not a Victim, a Shepherd and not sheep and a leader not, a follower. From here on in, your name is Mr Victor Shepherd Leader and you are the worst person on Earth.
VIRGO 23rd August – 22nd September
Hey Virgo, as a great man once said; ‘fire, water, air and dirt. Fucking magnets, how do they work?’ A good question for a time of decisiveness as throughout this lunar season you will be faced with a number of difficult crossroads, and important decisions should not be based on experience, preference and guidance from friends and loved ones, but rather how an arbitrary pattern of stars are interpreted by a man you’ve never met.
LIBRA 23rd September – 22nd October
Want to go down in history? Well now is your time; if the greatest trick the devil ever played was teaching the world that he doesn’t exist is true, then the bar is already set pretty fucking low. Think about what trick you could pull? You could surprise everyone and Disappear.
SCORPIO 23rd October – 21st November
Hey Scorpio, I want to fall from the stars, straight into your arms. Oh, before you start with all your crap again – remember that you are responsible for what you say. You are responsible for what you believe. You are responsible for how you act. Don’t blame other people for being a shitty person.
SAGITTARIUS 22nd November – 21st December
This is the dawning of the age of Sagittarius! You’re kind but sometimes you can be a little too quick to trust others. It’s important that you keep your faith in humanity, but you can’t allow people to take advantage of you. No matter how nice you are, some people are not good for you. The problem is that you won’t always know who these people are; however helpfully certain groups or ‘cults’ doesn’t condone bad people and do all the screening for you. You should join the Church of Scientology.
CAPRICORN 22nd December – 19th January
Good things come to those who wait. More like losers who wait. You want it all this month, don’t you greedy little Capricorn? Job, relationships, money? The lot! And why wouldn’t you, you work hard, kind of. And you’re a reasonably ok person. What’s stopping you? Oh yeah – the 7 billion other people who want exactly the same. Maybe later, yeah?
AQUARIUS 20th January – 18th February
Feel overwhelmed by fake friends, racists, jealous haters and people you used to know at school? Why not publicity announce on Facebook that you’re taking a break from social media.
PISCES 19th February – 20th March
Not getting enough attention from by fake friends, racists, jealous haters and people you used to know at school? Why not publicity announce on Facebook that you’re taking a break from social media.