ARIES 21st March – 19th April

It’s time to be impulsive. Consequences are overrated, it’s time to take action and ‘take back control’. Make some decisions without thinking about them, people will admire your bravery and shun you for the outcomes. Processed meat never fails to impress.

TAURUS 20th April – 20th May

Your stubbornness is a virtue. It’s time to stick to your guns, disagree with everyone in the workplace. They are wrong and you are right. Disciplinary meetings are just another obstacle in making others realise their full potential. You find you may have a grudge that you want to let go of. Don’t. Let this pain boil like a packet of BBQ flavour supernoodles.

GEMINI 21st May – 20th June

Now is the time to discover that David Bowie album that you never thought you’d like. You’re indecisiveness is your worst personality trait. It’s time to make a big life decision. Move cities, tell that person you love how you really feel, shun your parents. You’ll go back on this within 6months, but what’s important is that everyone knows that you are fucking your life up.

CANCER 21st June – 22nd July

It’s the month of fancy meals and driving tests. Now is the time Cancer, to go on an extraordinary night out. Your bank won’t be very sympathetic with you after. Fuck the bank, they’re the reason you’re reading a horror-scope right now. Go on a financial splurge and call it therapy, watch legally blonde and explain to your friends that’s how you are being there for them. If they are also a Cancer they will understand. Otherwise they’re not worth your time.

LEO 23rd July – 22nd August

Leo YOU are the ‘King of the Jungle’ YOU are the ‘Jungle VIP’ are you feeling like you’ve reached the top and had to stop, and that is what’s bothering you? Consider transitioning. Let the people in your life know that you are better than them; they should already know this so it will come as no surprise. Be careful of new acquaintances, they will take you at face-value and misunderstand you. Let them know where you are in the food chain. By any means necessary.

VIRGO 23rd August – 22nd September

Lock yourself in a dark room and try LSD. You’ll find the answers to that crossword that has been bothering you for the last two weeks. Now is the time to use your analytical skills and put them to the test. Do your taxes, offer to do other peoples’ and then do them wrong – you’ll be teaching them a lesson in trust. Stay away from quinoa.

LIBRA 23rd September – 22nd October

It’s time for Justice! Buy their entire discography and start a rave at your mate’s house. You are helping them on the quest to being popular, whilst you are getting some great experiences with Djing. This will be the month that you go bankrupt.

SCORPIO 23rd October – 21st November

It’s time to release your Machiavellian side. People will keep commentating on your age, not in a good way. Go to Lush and hold everyone hostage until you get that moisturizer that will fix your face. Your fierce nature will lead you into some opportunities that you thought was just for Virgos. Keep a diary of your favourite Lady Gaga songs, as they will probably be useful for a relative’s art project.

SAGITTARIUS 22nd November – 21st December

It’s time to stop hanging around outside schools.

CAPRICORN 22nd December – 19th January

You are in control of the decisions you make, it’s an exciting time for you and progress will be made both on an emotional and professional level. You will hate everything at some point; mark out a day each week where you can have a 2 minutes hate. Watch all of the anime series Card Captors online. Challenge yourself to watch it with others. It’s wise to not forgive your friends for that incident that happened. Eat fish and chips every Friday.

AQUARIUS 20th January – 18th February

Aquarius, it’s time you take a long hard look at yourself. You need some time alone away from the razzmatazz of the big city life. Look for another adventure, maybe the woods. Nothing bad happens there. You’ll find solitude is the best medicine to get away from the monolithic arseholes you’re surrounded by. Just remember you are part of the problem.

PISCES 19th February – 20th March

What time is it? It’s Pisces time! Due to your consistent selflessness you find everyone is taking advantage of you. You can fix this with a good swim, take some deep breaths underwater and maybe don’t come up to surface. Perhaps it’s time to go on a protest, look one up in your local yellow pages and see if there is a march you can join. If that fails write down a list of your worst qualities and pin it to your window, so everyone in the street can know who the real you is.

Daniel Nicholas is a comedian, producer and co-founder of arts collective Tetrad. He can be found putting on a variety of unique combining comedy with other art forms, or shouting and playing games with people on stage.

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