ARIES 21st March – 19th April – You have a legitimate fear that millennials are out to get you, lock all the doors barricade all the windows. Act out your life like the protagonist from I Am Legend (not the Will Smith version) go to the local shop and take all the tinned food off the shelf whilst screaming ‘they are just so savvy with technology’. People will appreciate the warning.
TAURUS 20th April – 20th May – Your relationships are going well. Your Job is going well. Things are going well. This leaves you feeling uneasy; surely something awful is just round the corner. It might be, but don’t go looking for it. Just enjoy the now and the present, otherwise you’d be on a crusade of self-sabotage and the only people who that really works for is disillusioned Chess Players. Treat yourself and get some chicken wings.
GEMINI 21st May – 20th June – You’ll find yourself to be busy most nights, surrounding yourself with like-minded people – miserable narcissists. Tell yourself this is a good career move and never say never. Go on as many dates as you can. It won’t fulfil you, but will prove a distraction from your thoughts. Visit York and just walk around the Walls, it’s not as pleasant a piece of heritage as you would be led to believe. You are not alone in your display of dismay at how McDonald’s have changed the Monopoly game.
CANCER 21st June – 22nd July – Now is the summer of your diss and contempt. Take an axe to your neighbour’s front garden, it needed redecorating anyway and you used to be a big fan of Ground Force, you’ve got this. Go to the local allotment and spread some slugs around, people will be shocked at the vegetable massacre, but they are also the ones that forget we owe our existence to slugs. Find out a reason why we can owe our existence to slugs. Celery is not a good substitute for lack of sexual libido.
LEO 23rd July – 22nd August – Love is in the air. And it reeks. There may be office romances blooming. Take it upon yourself to facilitate these romantic endeavours and spike a couple’s drink with laxatives. Then take bets in the office on who will stay in the toilet longest. Look for a GIF that you feel summarises your feelings towards George Clooney and send it round the office. Consider a career in making cheese.
VIRGO 23rd August – 22nd September – You’re feeling unusually lucky. It might just be the endorphins kicking in from that 5 mile run you did home from the party this morning. Or the MDMA hasn’t worn off. Either way it’s time to take full advantage of it and go to the Casino. Play all the games, particularly Blackjack, the plan here is to trick everyone into thinking you are counting cards. There is more to the Lightning Seeds than the song Life of Riley.
LIBRA 23rd September – 22nd October – Tell all your loved ones that you’ve downloaded the couch to 5k app. They’ll begin to respect you and think that you are on a path of improvement. Although this may not be the case, it’s what people think of you that matters in life. That’s why the Uber rating system is the best technological advancement in the past 20 years. Cold war is upon us, buy some more blankets.
SCORPIO 23rd October – 21st November – Kick off your summer by listening to Freddie Mercury’s Solo album. Very loud. Every car journey you are on suggest it is played. If the driver or the other passengers decline the invitation for their ears to be graced, then refuse to ever speak to them again. And steal their cats. Play it on the bus, the public may simply be unaware that of this gracious record. Throw out the rest of your CD collection, there’s only room for one CD on this rack. Time waits for nobody.
SAGITTARIUS 22nd November – 21st December – You’d be right to start questioning your mortality a bit more.
CAPRICORN 22nd December – 19th January – Move house and forget to tell your bank. Your card will expire, leading onto a confusing adventure, with no real out come. Buy different ornaments that look erotic, and offer them to your elderly relatives. Their look of confusion is the real gift you’re looking for. Start every sentence with ‘Actually I think you’ll find…’ and never follow up. People think you were looking to take up a career in Politics. It’s time to get rid of that Bradley Walsh costume.
AQUARIUS 20th January – 18th February – Weigh up the pros and cons on having affair, and decide to emigrate instead. Oz is nice this time of year. Or Spalding. Give away all your data to as any social media platforms as possible. You have too much of it anyway, you don’t need all that data. It’s time to share your data more. Data.
PISCES 19th February – 20th March – It’s festival season! Buy tickets to all the festivals, and spend a lot of time explaining to your bank why you don’t regret your decision, and why they if anything as your sponsor they should be giving you more, tell them it’s an investment as you need to surround yourself in a culturally rich atmosphere, where vibes are important and drugs are easy to come by. Tell them if they are not going to be reasonable you’ll have no choice but to close your account with them and possibly firebomb head office. Threats have history of working. You might contract Chicken Pox.