ARIES 21st March – 19th April
This is the time of your life when you start questioning everything. Like a toddler on hash. Ask your friends, your colleagues and partners ‘Why?’. Why this. And why now. Tell them that nothing can be explained away, and then give a feeble excuse as to why you’re late for work – your dog ate your car, or you hit Piers Morgan on the way there. Now is the time to take the plunge and try sploshing.
TAURUS 20th April – 20th May
It’s time to finish what you started. Tell Janice in the office exactly what you think of her dress and personality. Don’t sugar coat it, or if you do only use ethical products for icing. Your life will stop being as stable as it once was and you’ll have to make some big decisions in relation to shower curtains. Your indecisiveness will let you down. You’ll find your true love in brie.
GEMINI 21st May – 20th June
It’s time everyone realised what social media is really for. People looking at your holiday album from Magaluf 2015. Incredible. After a mammoth amount of work recently, it’s time to take a holiday. Go somewhere not only will people not know you, but will ignore you. Like the invisible man with depression. Read Eat, Pray, Love and then burn the book and criticize the author on twitter. You are Chesney Hawkes’ inspiration.
CANCER 21st June – 22nd July
Your insecurities about being alone will rise to the surface. Those cardboard cut-outs of Will Young and Gareth Gates can’t save you now. Remedy this by pointing out other peoples insecurities – they will be drawn to your honesty. Take part in a 10k race and then go the wrong way. You’re a trend setter. Impulse buy robot children on Ebay.
LEO 23rd July – 22nd August
It’s time to show everyone how much you love the Monarchy – after all you are the next one in line to the throne. Get your china plates and bunting out and have a party. Invite no one, but instead listen to I Want To Be Adored on repeat whilst drinking a bottle of VAT 69. Setting is optional. But for best result find a cold attic. You’ll have an allergic reaction to Twirl bars.
VIRGO 23rd August – 22nd September
Now is the time to make those mountains of molehills. Tell people you are going for a walk, and then take endless selfies whilst you do squats. Remember shitting yourself is all part of the experience. Be extremely aware of your health. People may call you a hypochrodiac but these are the same people who are likely to be eaten by an escaped crocodile and get everything they deserve.
LIBRA 23rd September – 22nd October
Take up Yoga, and tell everyone about it. It’s not satisfying unless people know about it. Everyone in life is about to throw you some big decisions: your family, your work colleagues, that dog walker that you see the park. Take your time and assess what is the best outcome for everyone. Then do the opposite, otherwise you are just an aid in the continuing power of capitalism. Consider collecting fingernails as a hobby.
SCORPIO 23rd October – 21st November
Share all our closest friends’ secrets on twitter. Tell everyone you love and care about, that they are disrupting your ‘private zone’. Your self-awareness is a gift and should be used to full effect. Throw paint on everyone at work and then apologise explaining you were having ‘one of your moments’ before doing it again with concrete. Be suspicious of anyone who uses more than two sugars in their tea. Avoid kale.
SAGITTARIUS 22nd November – 21st December
CAPRICORN 22nd December – 19th January
Set some SMART goals for yourself and others. Ensure that yours are achievable, and the others aren’t. Do a running commentary on other peoples failings. Set up a WI meeting and order a cake full of goats to attend. People will accuse you of being emotionless – they are wrong, you are soulless. Commit an hour a day for stepping on snails.
AQUARIUS 20th January – 18th February
Be generous with your time and resources even with people who don’t want it. They will, they just don’t realise it yet. Be frank with everyone that you meet about their dress sense. Write your memoirs out and post it on tumblr, tout for a publisher and when the results leave you wanting, burn some buildings. It’s art in action.
PISCES 19th February – 20th March
It’s time to discover some new music. Take a hike and travel to deepest darkest Yorkshire to find a hidden bird song. Get trapped there and pray that you told enough people about your adventure. If you didn’t this is just another adventure itself. Get into a load of different short term relationships and then end them explaining that you are not worthy of being with them. You’ll get a lot of praise and recognition for your martyrdom, and I think i even might hear an award nomination. You’ll face emotional turmoil when it comes to olives.