Great Central does not endorse living your life in accordance with these horoscopes, or indeed any others.

ARIES 21st March – 19th April

Mars (the planet of biceps) is in your sign this week. This may seem pretty inconsequential and frankly you’re unlikely to even notice, but I do, and this should bring a modicum of positivity into your otherwise miserable and predictable life.

TAURUS 20th April – 20th May

Anxiety is a terrible affliction and is a huge weight for many of us and how we manage our lives. Worrying about every little detail impacted heavily on you in 2016 resulting in you being less productive as Craig David Thursday through to Sunday. Let’s make 2017 different, ‘let’s make you great again’, reshuffle those priorities, focus on Neptune and make you top of your list.Hold on, did you leave the gas on?

GEMINI 21st May – 20th June

New year, new job. You’ll have a lot of responsibility so celebrate your new success by urinating on Russian prostitutes.

CANCER 21st June – 22nd July

The Mayans may have got it wrong, but how do you know I won’t? Time to start prepping. Besides, how do you know you won’t like living off the grid if you’ve never tried it? Your lucky colour is beige.

LEO 23rd July – 22nd August

Carrying a few extra holiday pounds? You know you won’t actually go to the gym so while everyone else is wasting their money and paying for expensive personal trainers, you should just walk around in your gym kit telling people what’s in your smoothie and making subtle, albeit judgemental comments about their health and lifestyle choices.

VIRGO 23rd August – 22nd September

Jupiter dominates your aura this period. Are you seriously just gonna stand there and take that shit!? You’re 100% muscle and determination, it’s basically just gas. Get confident, stupid because you will soon find yourself in a difficult situation and find new reasons to hate old advisories. You should buy a hot tub.

LIBRA 23rd September – 22nd October

Someone or something else giving you advice? No one likes to receive difficult or challenging criticism, I mean why should you have to change; after all, it’s them that’s got the problem. Why don’t you blindly continue as before with limited or no regard for your actions or others’ emotions. That’s what the real winners do.

SCORPIO 23rd October – 21st November

With Venus in Scorpio this quarter we all know you’ve got a serious problem and we can all agree you need some seriously well-considered advice. So what would Fonzy say? You don’t know who Fonzy is? Ok then, what about Rudedog? You don’t know who Rude dog is? Ok, what about the dog in Adventure Time…? Exactly. Do that.

SAGITTARIUS 22nd November – 21st December

The Beatles once idiotically wrote about loving 8 days a week however, for you this is nonsense. Given your sheer unrelenting obsession with yourself, the maximum amount of time you could even consider allocating any form of warmth to anyone else is 2 days, however obviously this will need to be shared equally between all your loved ones, mistresses and pets. You lucky number is 14.

CAPRICORN 22nd December – 19th January

Because you’re the kind of person who likes to leave things to the last minute, now might be a good time to get your affairs in order. Whether it’s a cluttered up garage, a beard from 2015, or disposing of a corpse, 2017 should see you being much more pro-active!

AQUARIUS 20th January – 18th February

For some reason the winter solstice was a turning point for you and you should feel the negativity and smug pessimism you felt in 2016 drifting away; which is a shame because that was the most interesting thing about you.

PISCES 19th February – 20th March

Mars is officially in Pisces. Good for some but hardly great news for needy pisceans.  Fed up of not getting enough attention? We know the feeling. Simple online solutions can include updating Facebook with the ‘fed up’ emoji, some vague but highly interpretative comment like ‘down today’/’Some people?!’/’fuck you’ or why not go full crazy and google image search and post a picture of an ultrasound?

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Great Central's resident astrologist, Tiernan doesn't really know his arse from his aires, but since when does that make a difference?

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