ARIES 21st March – 19th April
Sometimes the most subtle signals are the strongest. Believe you can, and you’re half way there and difficult roads often lead to beautiful locations. There’s no ‘I’ in team but there is in ‘I give up. I’m tired’.
TAURUS 20th April – 20th May
Not ready to settle down? The idea of the daily grind ‘just not very you’ and figure there’s more to life? Well I’ve got two very important and life changing words for you: Gap. Year. Whatever your age, you’re never too old for that gap year. Fuck responsibility, your family and expectations, we know finding a good and rewarding job is hard, whereas getting into debt is easy. Really easy! Plus you’ll get to meet loads of other likeminded people who are individuals ‘just like you’. With any luck you may even hit the big time and be asked to smuggle cocaine. Time to book that ticket!
GEMINI 21st May – 20th June
Hahahaha! What a year so far Gemini. Life really is like a roller coaster sometimes. We all know that it can have its ups and downs, but it’s your choice to scream or enjoy the ride! It’s a joke, a false environment, horribly expensive and run by fucking clowns and jobsworths and many us of will leave with chipped teeth, vomit on our shoes and married to a gypsy.
CANCER 21st June – 22nd July
Now that Venus and Mars are activating your ambition angle, it’s time for your nurturing side to have a mental health day and the Patrick Bateman in you to come out to play. Whilst it’s easy to put things off until tomorrow, the best preparation for tomorrow is a good today, and today you must dominate, you must capitalise and you must destroy. Today will be known as your independence day. Buy a caravan.
LEO 23rd July – 22nd August
Leo is in Saturn which is entering its fourth season of Breaking Bad and acting like they were the first person to ever watch it. We’ve seen it, dickhead. Being a somewhat introvert and proud Leo, you are probably fed up of not feeling as though you’re interesting at parties. Don’t worry Leo we all feel that way sometimes. Attract attention and friends by talking about your interpretation of the 5:2 diet, the Avril Lavigne conspiracy and why you think the illuminati are running the world. You’ll be beating off friends in no time.
VIRGO 23rd August – 22nd September
With Venus and Mars — the cosmic Lenny and Karl — both nestled in your retreat corner this month, it’s time to start dating! Take it from me and get them eating out of your hands by finding the cosmic erotic sweet spot between only talking about yourself and correcting grammar. It’s the perfect combination as you’ll look smart and they’ll thank you for improving them. Then, when the date is over, keep the smooth moves flowing by constant (and I mean endless) messaging, starting with appreciation, then concern, then resent. People love being asked why they’ve not text back! Lastly, the giant killer. Declaration of love. Dating: done.
LIBRA 23rd September – 22nd October
You are not measured by the length of your life, but the depth of it. Want to actually feel better about yourself? Pay a fucking charity instead of a personal trainer.
SCORPIO 23rd October – 21st November
Mars picks a fight with Pluto provoking strong, possibly dark, emotions. Save the one-night stand with a stranger for another time, as trust is essential with this planetary pairing. True love is, after all, round the corner and a dark stranger will make you feel like you’re 15 years old again! Excitement fades however as you’re not actually 15, you’re basically middle aged and the time for frivolous and meaningless relationships has long passed you by. What do you think your parents would say if they could see you, lying there, naked, the stench of sex, vape and Joop hanging in the air. You disgust me. You disgust yourself too.
SAGITTARIUS 22nd November – 21st December
No one ever got rich by hard work alone, but plenty of people got rich buying scratch cards.
CAPRICORN 22nd December – 19th January
It’s cute that you say you don’t care what people think about you. Why then, are you reading a horoscope? Listen Capricorn, we’re not here to judge; we’re here to help. The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but don’t let that bother you because you’re really quite basic; less ego and id and more Kenan and Kel.
AQUARIUS 20th January – 18th February
If you want to reinvent yourself why bother with enlightenment or education. No one cares what salt is made of or what the capital of Paris is; what you need is a sleeve tattoo, an expensive haircut and to go to a foreign music festival. Ta da: new you.
PISCES 19th February – 20th March
It’s not that people don’t like you; you’re just very, very boring.
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Great Central’s resident astrologist, Tiernan doesn’t really know his arse from his aires, but since when does that make a difference?

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