Aries March 21st –April 19th
People have told you for long enough that you can achieve anything you want. No mountain is too high to climb, no ambition is too ambitious. Take away the I’m from possible and you have’ I am possible’. It is time to face the truth, wake up and take a reality cheque that won’t bounce. Brush away the cornflakes from your bed sheet and open the moth-eaten curtains on this hungover Sunday morning and accept the fact that sometimes better things happen to people that aren’t you. Change your brand in cereal.
Taurus April 20th –May 20th
Other people’s ‘happiness’ are coming at your expense. You’ll find your time browsing kitchen-ware wondering what the sharpest knife is and where exactly the toilets are in Homebase. Budget accordingly this is a onetime shot that you’ll have to repeat numerous times throughout the year so it’s best to get it right. People will be grateful for your presence, but they will prefer your presents. Consider taking a fishing trip just so you can get some solitude.
Gemini May 21st –June 20th
It’s time to chase that person that you’ve repeatedly stared at in the library. The librarian has been asking you questions for a while and if anything, you can take it as encouragement – it’s not. Consider what your priorities are and do your best to find a person to create a suicide pact with, so that someone holds you to account. Spyro the Dragon (the original) is your new favourite pastime, but that last boss will fill you with resentment for the difficulty level of 90’s children video games.
Cancer June 21st –July 22nd
It’s party time cancer! Go to a Traffic Light party and stick signs that say ‘Under Construction’ on people’s trousers. You are the life and soul of the party, it’s just a shame that the party is akin to a care home. Spend some time scowling in the streets, disapproving of people littering and existing. Consider being Vegan just to see what the fuss is about.
Leo July 23rd – August 22nd
Throw your dad a surprise party Leo and then produce a document showing that you want emancipation. It’ll be the greatest gift they could ever ask for. With this in mind try suggesting it to others, go to an orphanage and let them know that there’s a vacancy available within your ex-family and you just want them to go to a good home. Consider this a new line of work, perhaps a business venture? Congratulations you’re now a creative entrepreneur! Celebrate and have dinner with your father.
Virgo August 23rd – September 22nd
Relive the nostalgia of Pokémon cards and start a trade war with your work colleagues. Track down your high school bully, arrive at their house and shove that shiny Mewtwo card in their eye. They’ll take back everything they said about your appearance 20 years ago and explain that hindsight is a beautiful thing. Get the lyrics to the new Arctic Monkey’s album tattooed to your back. You’re not a psycho, you’re a true fan.
Libra September 23rd –October 22nd
Balance and order is everything to you over these next couple of months. Consider getting a job in the Brexit cabinet, if anyone can sort this mess out it’s you. You’re nervous about taking potential lovers on dates; suggest spending a night in a disused bus station. Not only will the experience bring you closer together, but it will also be an ample opportunity to shrug off that reputation for being creepy. Just make sure the vending machine is stocked up. Meditate to ‘O Superman’ by Laurie Anderson.
Scorpio October 23rd –November 21st
Celebrate the Summer and take on a different look and become a new you! Hide and wait at the hairdressers, and once you see someone you like, take their skin and/or hair. No-one will recognise you or know what to put on a ‘wanted’ poster, just like that guy in Die Another Day. Consider taking a writing course so you can learn how not to repeat themes and situations within your own writing. You find yourself relating to the character Ralph in ‘Wreck it Ralph’.
Sagittarius November 22nd – December 21st
Capricorn December 22nd –January 19th
It’s time Capricorn to start making some important decisions. Notably when it comes to what kind of shower gel you use, and what does it say about you. Mint flavour makes your bits sting and orange reminds you too much of your ex, who was an orange. The blue ones make you think of your 5th birthday at Scarborough beach which you’d rather forget. Best bet is to go with the vanilla flavour. Plain old boring Vanilla. Just like you.
Aquarius January 20th – February 18th
Hay fever is becoming a real nightmare for you. You dream about it every night – seeing yourself with a beautiful person in a field full of sunflowers…they go to kiss you and you sneeze in their face. Let this be a lesson to your waking self and set off to mass burn the sunflowers. Re-name your Wi-Fi router to your favourite friend’s character + your least favourite sexual move. The novelty of Garbage’s debut album wears off quickly but is excellent to run to.
Pisces February 19th –March 20th
It’s the summer Pisces, cue 8 weeks of non-stop drinking, BBQs, failed romances and an ever-growing resentment for the World Cup. Start a sweepstake with your work colleagues and say the buy in, is their house. Tell them that it’s just a bit of fun and then rig it so you have all the best teams. GDPR has not treated you well, reclaim the pain and pitch to Hasbro the ‘GDPR Man’ action figure. Special skills include sending tenacious e-mails. Download Tumblr so you can watch Porn, as your mid 30’s live in landlord has a child safety lock on the internet for some reason.