ARIES 21st March – 19th April
You have a burning fire in your belly, like that time you left those burgers in the oven and went to Sainsbury’s. This is the time where you will achieve. And oh boy how you will achieve. Learn to play chess and bring it to your local nursery school, challenge the children and wallow in their defeat. You are unstoppable, don’t wait for their tears to flow, yours will be good enough. Break some HB pencils so your co-workers know you’re on the edge. And need more stationery.

TAURUS 20th April – 20th May
Finally it’s time to learn, being generous with your time is not a virtue. People close to you have found some wild reasoning to unburden all their problems on to you. You regret flippantly saying ‘I’m always here to talk’ over that Fillet-o-Fish meal at 2am. Begin work on that business plan for that new idea that you’ve been repeatedly told won’t work, seek investment by any means necessary – remember sexual deviance can also just be a strength of character. Stock up on cheesy bites, they are only available for a limited period.

GEMINI 21st May – 20th June
You will be in a permanent state of exhaustion, and this will continue for the next couple of months, but don’t worry, building that Lego Hogwarts castle will be worth it in the end. Enter into new situations where you don’t know anyone, read the room. And do the complete opposite of what is needed. These problems and arguments were going to happen anyway, you are just a catalyst in making them happen. Your efficiency with time has done everyone a favour. Consider the M1 your new home.

CANCER 21st June – 22nd July
It’s time for some decorating! Pull the carpets, bring down the wallpaper, smash the windows,(they looked ugly anyway), ignore what your fellow housemates say, it’s not their house and neither is it yours. But with a BTEC in Applied French, you’re more than qualified to be making these radical changes in your home environment. Consider changing your political alliance to one that you don’t agree with, and parade through the street with a burning effigy of your favourite cartoon character. Everyone will call it symbolic of today’s society.

LEO 23rd July – 22nd August
People will give you the nickname ‘Captain America’, not because of your leadership skills, but because you look like a twat in a suit. Vocalise your opinions about veganism at every possible venture, family BBQs, the School PTA meeting, funerals – you are correct, don’t let anyone have the chance to think otherwise. You’ll make a great boss at a small scale glue factory one day.

VIRGO 23rd August – 22nd September
Show how much of a team player at work you are and buy everyone at your workplace a decafe coffee. They’ll appreciate the sentiment, and would be too polite to say anything otherwise. This is true power. Use your inquisitive skills to get inside people’s heads, and plant ideas about Barbara in finance, a la Inception. Your life is a Christopher Nolan film.

LIBRA 23rd September – 22nd October
Make a list of your goals, if there is nothing in this list that offers the chance of death; revaluate the list and your life. Rocky is your new mantra. You will go through a series of difficult challenges that many people will call in laymen’s terms ‘Getting on the property ladder’ or ‘making a living in London’, these are all worthy notes for your infamous memoirs twenty years from now. Invest in a kindle, an often forgotten about weapon. Tofu is not your friend.

SCORPIO 23rd October – 21st November
Oh Scorpio! So many secrets, so little head room to keep them in. Vandalise your local school with secrets about the teachers, no one will realise it’s you that person who is in charge of that major corporation – you are the 21st century capitalist superhero. Teach others on what is most important to focus on – creating the ultimate iphone password. Ultimately though if you don’t talk about your problems there will be some emotional issues for those closest to you. Tinned tomatoes are your only source of vitamins.

SAGITTARIUS 22nd November – 21st December
Halloween is over. Quit it.

CAPRICORN 22nd December – 19th January
Yo cap! Sick of people criticising you or feeding back negative comments about your work, personality and appearance? It’s time to launch that magazine you’ve always thought about launching. ‘The critic’s critic – a guide to the problems I have with my friends’ it will be a huge success depending on your definitions of both huge and success. Leave, what to some could look like a suicide note and then turn your phone off and go for a long walk in the Brecon Beacons.

AQUARIUS 20th January – 18th February
Your inspiration for the next couple of months is Supergrass and the hit tv show Dexter, both will do what they can at all costs and so should you. You are finding a constant battle between the appearances of you monging out, how people chose to see the litter of cigarette ends around your feet.  You are feeling highly motivated in your own head and in many ways that’s more than enough. Stay away from Morrison’s own brand of Bolognese sauce.

PISCES 19th February – 20th March
This is the time you will earn the nickname ‘The Library’, due to your intelligence and how parts of you are old and dusty. People will look to take advantage of you when you least expect it– especially cats. Keep a low profile and change your settings on your facebook. Have a purge of your cuddly toys and friends, you’ll only want to keep the cute ones.  Create your own vegan cheese and fill it with razors, you’ll be a hit at dinner parties. Mrs Brown Boys is not a good tv series.

SHARE
Daniel Nicholas is a comedian, producer and co-founder of arts collective Tetrad. He can be found putting on a variety of unique combining comedy with other art forms, or shouting and playing games with people on stage.

Leave a Reply