Great Central does not endorse living your life in accordance with these horoscopes, or indeed any others.

ariesARIES 21st March – 19th April
After what Saturn did to mercury we all know that it’s gonna be a tense few weeks. Use this opportunity to lay low and be creative. Why not start a new business selling new £5 notes on Facebook marketplace? Multi-level marketing? A fire-poi academy? Then you could use the money to buy your very own paintball equipment.

20th April – 20th May
With Jupiter (the planet of seduction) coming into orbit with Neptune, it’s time to turn things up in the bedroom. Get things going by obsessively psychoanalysing your partner’s previous relationships. In the unlikely event that doesn’t work, then try this heat-seeking love missile and endlessly ask them what’s wrong.

geminiGEMINI 21st May – 20th June
New dawns and new horizons are ahead for you. With Mercury sensitively spooning Venus by moonlight, now may be the time for you to finally travel to South East Asia. Don’t forget to take photos though because your travel blog will be different. Definitely.

cancerCANCER 21st June – 22nd July
There are some things in life which are certain. Democracy works, power corrupts and nobody in the history of time has regretted getting their tongue forked.

leoLEO 23rd July – 22nd August
It doesn’t count, you’re still a virgin.


virgoVIRGO 23rd August – 22nd September
With Saturn (the planet of sports) being in full beast mode it’s important that you are able to deal with what life throws at you. Selling personal affects is hard but necessary when faced with poor working conditions, maritime trade union strike actions and a partner with a wanderlust obsession. It’s tough, but take solace in something simple and be that glass ‘half-full’ kind of person because, honestly you’re halfway there.

libraLIBRA 23rd September – 22nd October
Having never actually succeeded in any thing in life, perhaps you should begin to focus on your death. Loving son/daughter? Treasured friend? How would you like to be remembered and what does your gravestone really say about you?

scorpioSCORPIO 23rd October – 21st November
While it’s natural to be cautious with Neptune (the planet of mindfulness) moving into alignment with Uranus it’s important that you face up to some fears this month. After all, bullies are nothing but cowards; hilarious, bigger, stronger and more popular cowards. So yes, you are looking at him and frankly yes, you do want a fight.

sagittariusSAGITTARIUS 22nd November – 21st December
For someone who’s half human and half horse your behaviour is 100% pussy.


capricornCAPRICORN 22nd December – 19th January
Friendships falling by the wayside, Capricorn? Made your career ascent and let a few important people drift to your periphery? Who. Cares? Now you can finally bury the deadweight. You’ve levelled up and trust us, you’re worth it. But why let the abject narcissism stop here. Overshare – it’s what the super moon would want. Tell the world about you latest ‘’PB’’, post a pic of your new car keys! Take your selfie stick and beat down the haters. Talk, don’t listen and always, always get the last word.

aquariusAQUARIUS 20th January – 18th February
As Mercury (the planet of war) and the sun (your God and ruler) begin to merge you should know; you are being followed.


piscesPISCES 19th February – 20th March
Being a Pisces it must be hard to understand what your calling in life might be. In truth, it’s likely you don’t have one beyond Hollyoaks, funky house and WKD. With this in mind it’s time to redirect your attention and find that purpose. There is, for example, no current world record for most amount of Monster energy drinks consumed within an hour.

Great Central's resident astrologist, Tiernan doesn't really know his arse from his aires, but since when does that make a difference?

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